On Being a Parent

Being a parent is only one of the many social roles (friend, manager, teacher, partner...) we are likely to occupy in a given day. Each role places different demands on us which other people expect us to meet. Indeed our own children carry a set of role expectations about how we, as parents, should act towards them (just as we, as parents, carry a set of expectations about how our children should behave towards us).

These expectations might be unconscious and never expressed openly in words, but people nevertheless encourage others in subtle ways to act in accordance with the role expectations they have for them.

For instance, our daughter used to take it for granted that she would be picked up at the railway station when she visited us from University (a role expectation). Curiously it did not even occur to her to pick her parents up when we visited her! Clearly, at that stage, she ascribed ‘care-taking’ behaviour exclusively to the parenting role!

Our behaviour as parents nevertheless strongly influences the behaviour of our children, even if we do not see direct evidence of this until months or even years later. Think of it as an investment, because like it or not, parents are models for their children.

Parents cannot demand honesty from their children...

Pro-social modelling is what we do when we consciously and persistently act as good, motivating role models in order to bring out the best in our children, being confident in their capacity to change.

The behaviours we model will of course depend upon our values. We may value ‘honesty’, and may wish to inculcate this virtue in our children.

We cannot demand honesty from our children, though I have heard parents (and some teachers) try. Parents can model it, in their own interactions with children and around children.

Positive, pro-social modelling can foster the virtues of courage, compassion, resilience, cooperativeness, integrity, empathy, sharing, self control – a whole range of positive behaviours.

Two things you can do right away:

• Take the time to listen to your child, in order to understand their point of view. All too often we listen to young people in order to prepare a counter argument, in order to impress our own point of view even more strongly. Real listening communicates respect and your child will feel better about him or herself, and be more likely to approach you in future with their problems.
• Let your child know when you are pleased with them. Don’t speak in general terms. Be specific: “I really appreciated you making that cup of tea for me this morning. It got my day off to a real good start.”